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[wittingly]

@ian.fowler | ■ ▲ ◌ ▼

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[wittingly]

If we're spending this much time on my problems, we're doing you next

( Just as a warning. Now's your chance to bow out, it's a tit for tat man. They're building a reciprocity relationship, as far as he's concerned. )

[lifetothefullest]

I don't have problems, so it'll be a fast conversation.

[If this were in person he wouldn't even attempt to say that with a straight face, but it's not. It's still surely obvious he's both lying and expects Ian to know that, though.

He does consider taking the option to retreat here, but he's stopped both by concern about how Ian's handling things and wanting to see if there's anything he can do to help, and the awareness that he shouldn't be closing himself off. Of course, he's always aware of the latter, but right now he's also too emotionally numb to care much and also aware that fact is its own sign he shouldn't be avoiding things.

So for now, he decides to stick with the conversation, even if he might regret it later.]

[wittingly]

One of the things I like best about you is your sense of humor.

( AKA the most pleasant way anybody's ever called bullshit.

Maybe just like a mild deflection. Just like a short term stalling. )

[lifetothefullest]

Thanks, but just because I'm lying doesn't mean you have to.

[He'll allow the deflecting for now, going along with it, but only until it goes on for too long.]

[wittingly]

( He doesn't intend to drag it out long, he's too aware they both know what he's doing. )

Honestly

I've been having some pretty vivid nightmares, which is fun. Saw somebody cut herself on accident at work and almost threw up. But on the flip side, I think things are going

weirdly okay
with Nate?

I think

[lifetothefullest]

You probably already know this, but it might help to hear anyway: that all sounds really normal. Even the thing about your coworker; is she okay, by the way?

I'm glad to hear about Nate. I'm sure it must be a process, but it's really good that so far you're doing okay.

[wittingly]

She's fine. She could bench press me. She looked more worried about me in the end, actually.

How do I know if I'm doing it right? IS there a right way to do this?

[lifetothefullest]

That's good. What was it that bothered you so much about her accident, if you know?

No, there's no 'right' way to do this. I think the closest you can get is being respectful, and patient, and compassionate, and then see how it goes from there.

[Not that he expects Ian to be any other way--or likewise, for Nate to be any other way--but he thinks that's the closest to 'right' that can be achieved in this situation. And he thinks that if they can both do that, then things will get better, to whatever extent that might end up being.]

[wittingly]

The bleeding, one thousand percent. I'm pretty sure that has less to do with my death and more to do with that fucking Quarry.

( Twenty two years old, slitting somebody's throat. Watching him bleed out. He was supposed to be in school. That's a far cry from what he did in California at twenty two, to say the least. )

Don't you psychiatrists have like some kind of secret scroll of wisdom and divine truth that they pass out during orientation week or something? Stop being selfish, man. Share the scroll.

[lifetothefullest]

[The answer itself isn't surprising, but it's more that Ian has an answer; it's the nice sort of surprising, though.]

Knowing what's causing it is the first step to being able to process it, so I'm glad to hear that.

I'm a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, so no; we're not privy to that. It comes with the ability to write prescriptions.

[wittingly]

( Yeah, he has that answer because it was the immediate knee-jerk memory that came to mind right before the nausea set in. That probably won't be a problem later at all. )

Shit
I don't know, a valium vs. ancient knowledge
One of those won't help my stress
I think you picked the right field

[lifetothefullest]

I think my statement was too vague because you're giving me too much credit; I can't do either the valium or the ancient knowledge. You're just stuck with my terrible advice instead.

[wittingly]

Lance
Why do I even talk to you?

[lifetothefullest]

My great sense of humor, remember?

[wittingly]

I'm rethinking my choices.

( No he's not. Lance has somehow found the exact right attitude for Ian to feel like talking about this shit isn't

as much of a risk, somehow. Like it isn't sensitive. He doesn't feel particularly vulnerable. He must've been fucking amazing at his job. )

I think it's your turn
What was your relationship like with your mother and what's the answer to the trolley problem?

[lifetothefullest]

That's to be expected.

[It's a similar feeling on Lance's side of things, like they're on almost even footing, without any sort of weird sense of needing to be defensive or overly protective; at least one of the latter two feelings is almost always present in his relationships. It's strange, but nice, for that to have been shaken up a little.

It's for that reason that he offers actual answers to the two questions, even if they're meant jokingly and his own responses are similarly light.]

Complicated, and purposeful inaction leading to harm is just as bad as purposeful action leading to harm, so minimizing total harm done should be the goal.

[wittingly]

( If either Kyna or Nate knew they'd probably punch him in the face for it. All the emotional evasiveness and for some reason, here's Lance.

Doctor patient confidentiality. )

We at the institute thank you for your cooperation.

But seriously. How are you?

[lifetothefullest]

[Despite everything, it's such a long standing, deep instinct to immediately lie in response to that particular question that he has to actually catch himself. So because of that, as well as trying to figure out how to actually answer, there's a short delay.

But, finally, he offers something genuine, even if he had to force himself not to still downplay it.]

I'm with you on the nightmares. I literally passed out on Drake earlier; I haven't done something like that since grad school.

[Though to be entirely honest he'd been at that point before in Hadriel too, he'd just hidden away in his place so no one had ever known.]

[wittingly]

Passed out as in from exhaustion?

( As a part-time alcoholic he has to check. )

[lifetothefullest]

Yes, and I'm going to blame the lack of easily accessible coffee and energy drinks.

[Because that's totally the reason and he's also definitely feeling self-conscious about this now, though he already was anyway.]

[wittingly]

Not to keep pitching it but
Getting ridiculously stoned before going to sleep helps half the time
Your dreams don't make any fucking sense, for obvious reasons, which is an improvement

( One day, Lance. One day he will tempt you. You'll see.

But it's probably better to keep up some of the more serious momentum. )

What are your nightmares typically about?

[lifetothefullest]

I'll keep that in mind.

[He still doesn't think it'd be a great idea, but that this point he isn't going to outright reject it either. Who knows, it might be worth a try at some point.

But that last question is a big one, and again he immediately balks, even if the usual emotion behind it isn't really there and it's more just habit. It's especially pointless to be hesitating since Ian already knows about what happened to him, so he doesn't even have to go into new territory.

Still, there's a delay before he finally responds.]

What happened at home. Not always how it actually went, but never really any better.

[wittingly]

( He could've probably guessed it, though he'd have been split between guessing if it was back dying home or in the Quarry. He knows the former was more impactful, but the latter was more recent.

It was a big ask, and he gets the pressing feeling that he needs to balance it out. )

I have the same kind of dream about dying as I do about the day the ships touched down back home
I mean not exactly the same but

In the Quarry it's me and Nate and we keep running down all these different hallways trying to find an exit. I somehow know there's a time limit, and if I can't get out I'll drop dead or whatever

The ships, it's kind of the same. I just keep trying to get out of the city, but all the alleys keep twisting and the streets are like a maze. I can't ever get out.

[lifetothefullest]

[He isn't expecting the offer of Ian's own answer to the question, but he's not complaining; it helps relieve a little of the brief flash of guilt he'd felt at not asking earlier, and it also feels like it evens things out again. Which is ridiculous, since Ian's definitely done more sharing than Lance has even before this, but still.

The scenarios Ian describes are understandable, and very normal in the context of the things he's been through, but there's something Lance feels like he should point out all the same.]

There's a distinct theme present in both of those descriptions.

[Ian probably has already figured it out, but sometimes it helps for someone else to say it.]

[wittingly]

( Yeah, he's aware of the theme. No idea what in the hell it says about his mental state, though. )

We're still on you, man, that was part of the bartering system.

How are you holding up under the stress of trying to help everybody else deal with the sudden immense amount of trauma thrust onto them, particularly running on almost no sleep?