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[wittingly]

@ian.fowler | ■ ▲ ◌ ▼

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[lifetothefullest]

You probably already know this, but it might help to hear anyway: that all sounds really normal. Even the thing about your coworker; is she okay, by the way?

I'm glad to hear about Nate. I'm sure it must be a process, but it's really good that so far you're doing okay.

[wittingly]

She's fine. She could bench press me. She looked more worried about me in the end, actually.

How do I know if I'm doing it right? IS there a right way to do this?

[lifetothefullest]

That's good. What was it that bothered you so much about her accident, if you know?

No, there's no 'right' way to do this. I think the closest you can get is being respectful, and patient, and compassionate, and then see how it goes from there.

[Not that he expects Ian to be any other way--or likewise, for Nate to be any other way--but he thinks that's the closest to 'right' that can be achieved in this situation. And he thinks that if they can both do that, then things will get better, to whatever extent that might end up being.]

[wittingly]

The bleeding, one thousand percent. I'm pretty sure that has less to do with my death and more to do with that fucking Quarry.

( Twenty two years old, slitting somebody's throat. Watching him bleed out. He was supposed to be in school. That's a far cry from what he did in California at twenty two, to say the least. )

Don't you psychiatrists have like some kind of secret scroll of wisdom and divine truth that they pass out during orientation week or something? Stop being selfish, man. Share the scroll.

[lifetothefullest]

[The answer itself isn't surprising, but it's more that Ian has an answer; it's the nice sort of surprising, though.]

Knowing what's causing it is the first step to being able to process it, so I'm glad to hear that.

I'm a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, so no; we're not privy to that. It comes with the ability to write prescriptions.

[wittingly]

( Yeah, he has that answer because it was the immediate knee-jerk memory that came to mind right before the nausea set in. That probably won't be a problem later at all. )

Shit
I don't know, a valium vs. ancient knowledge
One of those won't help my stress
I think you picked the right field

[lifetothefullest]

I think my statement was too vague because you're giving me too much credit; I can't do either the valium or the ancient knowledge. You're just stuck with my terrible advice instead.

[wittingly]

Lance
Why do I even talk to you?

[lifetothefullest]

My great sense of humor, remember?

[wittingly]

I'm rethinking my choices.

( No he's not. Lance has somehow found the exact right attitude for Ian to feel like talking about this shit isn't

as much of a risk, somehow. Like it isn't sensitive. He doesn't feel particularly vulnerable. He must've been fucking amazing at his job. )

I think it's your turn
What was your relationship like with your mother and what's the answer to the trolley problem?

[lifetothefullest]

That's to be expected.

[It's a similar feeling on Lance's side of things, like they're on almost even footing, without any sort of weird sense of needing to be defensive or overly protective; at least one of the latter two feelings is almost always present in his relationships. It's strange, but nice, for that to have been shaken up a little.

It's for that reason that he offers actual answers to the two questions, even if they're meant jokingly and his own responses are similarly light.]

Complicated, and purposeful inaction leading to harm is just as bad as purposeful action leading to harm, so minimizing total harm done should be the goal.

[wittingly]

( If either Kyna or Nate knew they'd probably punch him in the face for it. All the emotional evasiveness and for some reason, here's Lance.

Doctor patient confidentiality. )

We at the institute thank you for your cooperation.

But seriously. How are you?

[lifetothefullest]

[Despite everything, it's such a long standing, deep instinct to immediately lie in response to that particular question that he has to actually catch himself. So because of that, as well as trying to figure out how to actually answer, there's a short delay.

But, finally, he offers something genuine, even if he had to force himself not to still downplay it.]

I'm with you on the nightmares. I literally passed out on Drake earlier; I haven't done something like that since grad school.

[Though to be entirely honest he'd been at that point before in Hadriel too, he'd just hidden away in his place so no one had ever known.]

[wittingly]

Passed out as in from exhaustion?

( As a part-time alcoholic he has to check. )

[lifetothefullest]

Yes, and I'm going to blame the lack of easily accessible coffee and energy drinks.

[Because that's totally the reason and he's also definitely feeling self-conscious about this now, though he already was anyway.]

[wittingly]

Not to keep pitching it but
Getting ridiculously stoned before going to sleep helps half the time
Your dreams don't make any fucking sense, for obvious reasons, which is an improvement

( One day, Lance. One day he will tempt you. You'll see.

But it's probably better to keep up some of the more serious momentum. )

What are your nightmares typically about?

[lifetothefullest]

I'll keep that in mind.

[He still doesn't think it'd be a great idea, but that this point he isn't going to outright reject it either. Who knows, it might be worth a try at some point.

But that last question is a big one, and again he immediately balks, even if the usual emotion behind it isn't really there and it's more just habit. It's especially pointless to be hesitating since Ian already knows about what happened to him, so he doesn't even have to go into new territory.

Still, there's a delay before he finally responds.]

What happened at home. Not always how it actually went, but never really any better.

[wittingly]

( He could've probably guessed it, though he'd have been split between guessing if it was back dying home or in the Quarry. He knows the former was more impactful, but the latter was more recent.

It was a big ask, and he gets the pressing feeling that he needs to balance it out. )

I have the same kind of dream about dying as I do about the day the ships touched down back home
I mean not exactly the same but

In the Quarry it's me and Nate and we keep running down all these different hallways trying to find an exit. I somehow know there's a time limit, and if I can't get out I'll drop dead or whatever

The ships, it's kind of the same. I just keep trying to get out of the city, but all the alleys keep twisting and the streets are like a maze. I can't ever get out.

[lifetothefullest]

[He isn't expecting the offer of Ian's own answer to the question, but he's not complaining; it helps relieve a little of the brief flash of guilt he'd felt at not asking earlier, and it also feels like it evens things out again. Which is ridiculous, since Ian's definitely done more sharing than Lance has even before this, but still.

The scenarios Ian describes are understandable, and very normal in the context of the things he's been through, but there's something Lance feels like he should point out all the same.]

There's a distinct theme present in both of those descriptions.

[Ian probably has already figured it out, but sometimes it helps for someone else to say it.]

[wittingly]

( Yeah, he's aware of the theme. No idea what in the hell it says about his mental state, though. )

We're still on you, man, that was part of the bartering system.

How are you holding up under the stress of trying to help everybody else deal with the sudden immense amount of trauma thrust onto them, particularly running on almost no sleep?

[lifetothefullest]

[He won't protest because okay, fair enough, they're still on him. Though he is going to be keeping track of how many questions are answered and turn things around on Ian as soon as is appropriate.

But for now, he considers the question, considers yet again how honest to be, and then finally--]

I've reached the point where I don't really feel anything, so the answer is up for interpretation.

[On one hand, dealing with the stress is much easier when it doesn't register anymore. On the other, he knows very well how bad that actually is.]

[wittingly]

( That hilariously matches what Nate did with him weeks and weeks ago -- a question for a question, except. Sixty stories off the ground. )

Have you taken any time to like
Take care of yourself, or process, or just do some like self care or something instead of constantly distracting yourself with other people's problems?

( Like he can't guess the answer to that question. )

[lifetothefullest]

[Of course the answer to those questions is no, just as Ian surely expected. So Lance doesn't bother to say so, and instead offers something actually more genuine.]

I was one of the first people back here.

[He could've even been the first. He doesn't know, and it doesn't matter; what matters is that when he'd returned, there was no one else he knew. As people had begun to return--native citizens, mostly, probably through just normal ways to die when living somewhere like he Aerie--he'd been one of the only people both present and with any knowledge of how to help them.

So even if he hadn't been also distracting himself, taking a break wasn't much of an option. Even as others continued to return, including other Displaced, they still couldn't afford to lose anyone; then, when he'd turned his attention even briefly to the Henries issue, there had been the judgement about not focusing entirely on the relief efforts.

But even without those excuses, and the pressure, and of course his own genuine desire to help, he probably wouldn't have wanted to slow down anyway. The emotional numbness is something he doesn't need his degrees to know is a defense mechanism, and it's one he's had a long time, so he can recognize when it happens and what it means when it does. He also knows it means he's at the point where he can't put off dealing with it any longer, but even if he wanted to, the opportunity isn't really there.]

I can't afford the time needed to deal with things right now.

[wittingly]

( Now, this is concerning. The tone of it, somehow, or just the implication. The curtness, or the way he dismisses himself, or how disprovable it is. )

If I said that to you
or Nate said that to you
What would your answer be?

[lifetothefullest]

You know what it would be.

[So he won't bother to write it out. He also won't bother to mention that he knows full well he's being a hypocrite.

Instead--]

I think we're back to my turn with the questions.