[He still doesn't think it'd be a great idea, but that this point he isn't going to outright reject it either. Who knows, it might be worth a try at some point.
But that last question is a big one, and again he immediately balks, even if the usual emotion behind it isn't really there and it's more just habit. It's especially pointless to be hesitating since Ian already knows about what happened to him, so he doesn't even have to go into new territory.
Still, there's a delay before he finally responds.]
What happened at home. Not always how it actually went, but never really any better.
( He could've probably guessed it, though he'd have been split between guessing if it was back dying home or in the Quarry. He knows the former was more impactful, but the latter was more recent.
It was a big ask, and he gets the pressing feeling that he needs to balance it out. )
I have the same kind of dream about dying as I do about the day the ships touched down back home I mean not exactly the same but
In the Quarry it's me and Nate and we keep running down all these different hallways trying to find an exit. I somehow know there's a time limit, and if I can't get out I'll drop dead or whatever
The ships, it's kind of the same. I just keep trying to get out of the city, but all the alleys keep twisting and the streets are like a maze. I can't ever get out.
[He isn't expecting the offer of Ian's own answer to the question, but he's not complaining; it helps relieve a little of the brief flash of guilt he'd felt at not asking earlier, and it also feels like it evens things out again. Which is ridiculous, since Ian's definitely done more sharing than Lance has even before this, but still.
The scenarios Ian describes are understandable, and very normal in the context of the things he's been through, but there's something Lance feels like he should point out all the same.]
There's a distinct theme present in both of those descriptions.
[Ian probably has already figured it out, but sometimes it helps for someone else to say it.]
( Yeah, he's aware of the theme. No idea what in the hell it says about his mental state, though. )
We're still on you, man, that was part of the bartering system.
How are you holding up under the stress of trying to help everybody else deal with the sudden immense amount of trauma thrust onto them, particularly running on almost no sleep?
[He won't protest because okay, fair enough, they're still on him. Though he is going to be keeping track of how many questions are answered and turn things around on Ian as soon as is appropriate.
But for now, he considers the question, considers yet again how honest to be, and then finally--]
I've reached the point where I don't really feel anything, so the answer is up for interpretation.
[On one hand, dealing with the stress is much easier when it doesn't register anymore. On the other, he knows very well how bad that actually is.]
( That hilariously matches what Nate did with him weeks and weeks ago -- a question for a question, except. Sixty stories off the ground. )
Have you taken any time to like Take care of yourself, or process, or just do some like self care or something instead of constantly distracting yourself with other people's problems?
( Like he can't guess the answer to that question. )
[Of course the answer to those questions is no, just as Ian surely expected. So Lance doesn't bother to say so, and instead offers something actually more genuine.]
I was one of the first people back here.
[He could've even been the first. He doesn't know, and it doesn't matter; what matters is that when he'd returned, there was no one else he knew. As people had begun to return--native citizens, mostly, probably through just normal ways to die when living somewhere like he Aerie--he'd been one of the only people both present and with any knowledge of how to help them.
So even if he hadn't been also distracting himself, taking a break wasn't much of an option. Even as others continued to return, including other Displaced, they still couldn't afford to lose anyone; then, when he'd turned his attention even briefly to the Henries issue, there had been the judgement about not focusing entirely on the relief efforts.
But even without those excuses, and the pressure, and of course his own genuine desire to help, he probably wouldn't have wanted to slow down anyway. The emotional numbness is something he doesn't need his degrees to know is a defense mechanism, and it's one he's had a long time, so he can recognize when it happens and what it means when it does. He also knows it means he's at the point where he can't put off dealing with it any longer, but even if he wanted to, the opportunity isn't really there.]
I can't afford the time needed to deal with things right now.
( Now, this is concerning. The tone of it, somehow, or just the implication. The curtness, or the way he dismisses himself, or how disprovable it is. )
If I said that to you or Nate said that to you What would your answer be?
[He never quite knows what to do with that sentiment, because he doesn't hear it very often; it's one of those things he's never gotten used to, especially when it's from someone who hasn't known him a long time. He knows, of course, that it's entirely possible for such a sentiment to be genuine even from a total stranger, but it still catches him off guard whenever someone makes the offer.
So there's a short delay as he tries to collect his thoughts, before he finally formulates a response.]
Thank you. I might take you up on that at some point.
( It's easy as hell for Ian to reach out and console other people -- when it doesn't involve his issues it's sage wisdom and stoner calm all day long. Between Kyna, Nate, and that life in the Aerie, it feels a little easier to offer up friendship. Mind blowing progress from where he started when he woke up in New Amsterdam. )
I don't think you could if you wanted to What I mean is I don't think anybody could
But we can take the spotlight off your gross squishy parts for a minute.
[And he's very competitive. But he also knows, logically, that Ian's right; even if he could probably continue to repress and ignore everything for some amount of time longer, it's only going to make it worse when he finally does hit the limit.
But it's something that can wait at least a little while, though he decides--for now, anyway, until he likely talks himself out of it later--to try to do something about it sooner rather than later. For now, though, he'll take the opportunity to redirect.]
I'll avoid squishiness from either of us for now; besides the personal issues, what have you been doing since you got back other than discussing the Henries stuff?
[Has he been taking part in any of the mess in the city, or going on the New Tokyo trip?]
( Yeah, he'll let that joke hang unremarked upon. They both know.
But he'll check back in on this whole thing in a couple days anyway. )
Trying to build something I think will help Nate well I mean it'll help everyone that was in the Quarry, I think It's a little slow going with my head not being all the way in the game
So like You know how in bars, restaurants, homes, advertisements, whatever They have these projections that interface with the implant? Everyone can see the same thing at the same time from a localized source?
I'm trying to create a face mask from it. Essentially projecting another face over your own so if you're walking through a crowd you won't get recognized. It won't hold up under intense scrutiny, but in passing I think it'll be enough.
That's really interesting. Theoretically it does seem like it should work, though you'll have to be really careful with how you map it; humans are very sensitive to even the smallest things being out of place when it comes to faces.
That said, even if it's only good from a distance or a brief glance, that's still way better than how things are now. Sunglasses haven't really been working out too well, so I'll take anything at this point.
[He hates this being recognized thing, it's awful. And he knows it must be even worse for Nate.]
Yeah, the uncanny valley effect is something I'd considered. I thought about sourcing features from public media and setting it up to randomize each feature from a different face to make one butt ugly person.
It would still be terrible, but maybe like 30% less creepy than the porcelain doll mannequin-esque alternative.
I don't know, terrifying people sounds kind of great right now.
[He's joking, but also not. He's never been scary in his life, and with the amount that he currently wants people to never look at him again, terrifying them with some sort of far too perfect eerie doll face has a definite appeal.]
Can I be honest man I've never seen that I give Nate shit all the time but between you and me, I pretty much stopped watching TV/movies after like 2002 or something
Actually wait, now that I think about it, I have no idea what year it is in your world or how old you are, so I guess the year doesn't really matter that much.
Thanks, though it'll probably be disappointing since I haven't seen any of them in awhile. I just remember that the motivations made very little sense most of the time, and although it's not unusual for people to react strangely or with a lack of common sense in stressful situations, the prevalence and degree to which it occurs is contrived. So is the seeming complete lack of any attempt to learn from previous mistakes.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[He still doesn't think it'd be a great idea, but that this point he isn't going to outright reject it either. Who knows, it might be worth a try at some point.
But that last question is a big one, and again he immediately balks, even if the usual emotion behind it isn't really there and it's more just habit. It's especially pointless to be hesitating since Ian already knows about what happened to him, so he doesn't even have to go into new territory.
Still, there's a delay before he finally responds.]
What happened at home. Not always how it actually went, but never really any better.
no subject
It was a big ask, and he gets the pressing feeling that he needs to balance it out. )
I have the same kind of dream about dying as I do about the day the ships touched down back home
I mean not exactly the same but
In the Quarry it's me and Nate and we keep running down all these different hallways trying to find an exit. I somehow know there's a time limit, and if I can't get out I'll drop dead or whatever
The ships, it's kind of the same. I just keep trying to get out of the city, but all the alleys keep twisting and the streets are like a maze. I can't ever get out.
no subject
The scenarios Ian describes are understandable, and very normal in the context of the things he's been through, but there's something Lance feels like he should point out all the same.]
There's a distinct theme present in both of those descriptions.
[Ian probably has already figured it out, but sometimes it helps for someone else to say it.]
no subject
We're still on you, man, that was part of the bartering system.
How are you holding up under the stress of trying to help everybody else deal with the sudden immense amount of trauma thrust onto them, particularly running on almost no sleep?
no subject
But for now, he considers the question, considers yet again how honest to be, and then finally--]
I've reached the point where I don't really feel anything, so the answer is up for interpretation.
[On one hand, dealing with the stress is much easier when it doesn't register anymore. On the other, he knows very well how bad that actually is.]
no subject
Have you taken any time to like
Take care of yourself, or process, or just do some like self care or something instead of constantly distracting yourself with other people's problems?
( Like he can't guess the answer to that question. )
no subject
I was one of the first people back here.
[He could've even been the first. He doesn't know, and it doesn't matter; what matters is that when he'd returned, there was no one else he knew. As people had begun to return--native citizens, mostly, probably through just normal ways to die when living somewhere like he Aerie--he'd been one of the only people both present and with any knowledge of how to help them.
So even if he hadn't been also distracting himself, taking a break wasn't much of an option. Even as others continued to return, including other Displaced, they still couldn't afford to lose anyone; then, when he'd turned his attention even briefly to the Henries issue, there had been the judgement about not focusing entirely on the relief efforts.
But even without those excuses, and the pressure, and of course his own genuine desire to help, he probably wouldn't have wanted to slow down anyway. The emotional numbness is something he doesn't need his degrees to know is a defense mechanism, and it's one he's had a long time, so he can recognize when it happens and what it means when it does. He also knows it means he's at the point where he can't put off dealing with it any longer, but even if he wanted to, the opportunity isn't really there.]
I can't afford the time needed to deal with things right now.
no subject
If I said that to you
or Nate said that to you
What would your answer be?
no subject
[So he won't bother to write it out. He also won't bother to mention that he knows full well he's being a hypocrite.
Instead--]
I think we're back to my turn with the questions.
no subject
( Fair enough, he won't fight it, he definitely doesn't want to push too hard. )
But just for the record
I give a shit, and I wanna make sure you're okay
So if there's some way I can help, I want to
no subject
So there's a short delay as he tries to collect his thoughts, before he finally formulates a response.]
Thank you. I might take you up on that at some point.
I won't keep putting this off forever.
[He'll make that much of a promise, at least.]
no subject
I don't think you could if you wanted to
What I mean is
I don't think anybody could
But we can take the spotlight off your gross squishy parts for a minute.
no subject
[And he's very competitive. But he also knows, logically, that Ian's right; even if he could probably continue to repress and ignore everything for some amount of time longer, it's only going to make it worse when he finally does hit the limit.
But it's something that can wait at least a little while, though he decides--for now, anyway, until he likely talks himself out of it later--to try to do something about it sooner rather than later. For now, though, he'll take the opportunity to redirect.]
I'll avoid squishiness from either of us for now; besides the personal issues, what have you been doing since you got back other than discussing the Henries stuff?
[Has he been taking part in any of the mess in the city, or going on the New Tokyo trip?]
no subject
But he'll check back in on this whole thing in a couple days anyway. )
Trying to build something I think will help Nate
well I mean it'll help everyone that was in the Quarry, I think
It's a little slow going with my head not being all the way in the game
no subject
I think being a little out of it's to be expected, so it's amazing you're getting any work done at all.
no subject
You know how in bars, restaurants, homes, advertisements, whatever
They have these projections that interface with the implant? Everyone can see the same thing at the same time from a localized source?
I'm trying to create a face mask from it. Essentially projecting another face over your own so if you're walking through a crowd you won't get recognized. It won't hold up under intense scrutiny, but in passing I think it'll be enough.
no subject
That said, even if it's only good from a distance or a brief glance, that's still way better than how things are now. Sunglasses haven't really been working out too well, so I'll take anything at this point.
[He hates this being recognized thing, it's awful. And he knows it must be even worse for Nate.]
no subject
It would still be terrible, but maybe like 30% less creepy than the porcelain doll mannequin-esque alternative.
no subject
[He's joking, but also not. He's never been scary in his life, and with the amount that he currently wants people to never look at him again, terrifying them with some sort of far too perfect eerie doll face has a definite appeal.]
no subject
no subject
no subject
I've never seen that
I give Nate shit all the time but between you and me, I pretty much stopped watching TV/movies after like 2002 or something
I just thought the Saw traps were cool
no subject
But that means I'm the most up to date on pop culture? By like a lot? Awesome.
[He won't betray the secret, but he will also totally torment both Ian and Nate now that he knows he can.]
The traps were cool but the Saw movies were super frustrating from a psychologist standpoint.
no subject
After I started college it all went out the window
But I'm fucking wildly fascinated to hear what you have to say about the psychology of Saw
for the record I only saw like 2.5 of them so if this requires a comprehensive understanding of the series you're gonna be talking to a tree basically
no subject
Actually wait, now that I think about it, I have no idea what year it is in your world or how old you are, so I guess the year doesn't really matter that much.
Thanks, though it'll probably be disappointing since I haven't seen any of them in awhile. I just remember that the motivations made very little sense most of the time, and although it's not unusual for people to react strangely or with a lack of common sense in stressful situations, the prevalence and degree to which it occurs is contrived. So is the seeming complete lack of any attempt to learn from previous mistakes.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)