I think my statement was too vague because you're giving me too much credit; I can't do either the valium or the ancient knowledge. You're just stuck with my terrible advice instead.
[It's a similar feeling on Lance's side of things, like they're on almost even footing, without any sort of weird sense of needing to be defensive or overly protective; at least one of the latter two feelings is almost always present in his relationships. It's strange, but nice, for that to have been shaken up a little.
It's for that reason that he offers actual answers to the two questions, even if they're meant jokingly and his own responses are similarly light.]
Complicated, and purposeful inaction leading to harm is just as bad as purposeful action leading to harm, so minimizing total harm done should be the goal.
[Despite everything, it's such a long standing, deep instinct to immediately lie in response to that particular question that he has to actually catch himself. So because of that, as well as trying to figure out how to actually answer, there's a short delay.
But, finally, he offers something genuine, even if he had to force himself not to still downplay it.]
I'm with you on the nightmares. I literally passed out on Drake earlier; I haven't done something like that since grad school.
[Though to be entirely honest he'd been at that point before in Hadriel too, he'd just hidden away in his place so no one had ever known.]
Not to keep pitching it but Getting ridiculously stoned before going to sleep helps half the time Your dreams don't make any fucking sense, for obvious reasons, which is an improvement
( One day, Lance. One day he will tempt you. You'll see.
But it's probably better to keep up some of the more serious momentum. )
[He still doesn't think it'd be a great idea, but that this point he isn't going to outright reject it either. Who knows, it might be worth a try at some point.
But that last question is a big one, and again he immediately balks, even if the usual emotion behind it isn't really there and it's more just habit. It's especially pointless to be hesitating since Ian already knows about what happened to him, so he doesn't even have to go into new territory.
Still, there's a delay before he finally responds.]
What happened at home. Not always how it actually went, but never really any better.
( He could've probably guessed it, though he'd have been split between guessing if it was back dying home or in the Quarry. He knows the former was more impactful, but the latter was more recent.
It was a big ask, and he gets the pressing feeling that he needs to balance it out. )
I have the same kind of dream about dying as I do about the day the ships touched down back home I mean not exactly the same but
In the Quarry it's me and Nate and we keep running down all these different hallways trying to find an exit. I somehow know there's a time limit, and if I can't get out I'll drop dead or whatever
The ships, it's kind of the same. I just keep trying to get out of the city, but all the alleys keep twisting and the streets are like a maze. I can't ever get out.
[He isn't expecting the offer of Ian's own answer to the question, but he's not complaining; it helps relieve a little of the brief flash of guilt he'd felt at not asking earlier, and it also feels like it evens things out again. Which is ridiculous, since Ian's definitely done more sharing than Lance has even before this, but still.
The scenarios Ian describes are understandable, and very normal in the context of the things he's been through, but there's something Lance feels like he should point out all the same.]
There's a distinct theme present in both of those descriptions.
[Ian probably has already figured it out, but sometimes it helps for someone else to say it.]
( Yeah, he's aware of the theme. No idea what in the hell it says about his mental state, though. )
We're still on you, man, that was part of the bartering system.
How are you holding up under the stress of trying to help everybody else deal with the sudden immense amount of trauma thrust onto them, particularly running on almost no sleep?
[He won't protest because okay, fair enough, they're still on him. Though he is going to be keeping track of how many questions are answered and turn things around on Ian as soon as is appropriate.
But for now, he considers the question, considers yet again how honest to be, and then finally--]
I've reached the point where I don't really feel anything, so the answer is up for interpretation.
[On one hand, dealing with the stress is much easier when it doesn't register anymore. On the other, he knows very well how bad that actually is.]
( That hilariously matches what Nate did with him weeks and weeks ago -- a question for a question, except. Sixty stories off the ground. )
Have you taken any time to like Take care of yourself, or process, or just do some like self care or something instead of constantly distracting yourself with other people's problems?
( Like he can't guess the answer to that question. )
[Of course the answer to those questions is no, just as Ian surely expected. So Lance doesn't bother to say so, and instead offers something actually more genuine.]
I was one of the first people back here.
[He could've even been the first. He doesn't know, and it doesn't matter; what matters is that when he'd returned, there was no one else he knew. As people had begun to return--native citizens, mostly, probably through just normal ways to die when living somewhere like he Aerie--he'd been one of the only people both present and with any knowledge of how to help them.
So even if he hadn't been also distracting himself, taking a break wasn't much of an option. Even as others continued to return, including other Displaced, they still couldn't afford to lose anyone; then, when he'd turned his attention even briefly to the Henries issue, there had been the judgement about not focusing entirely on the relief efforts.
But even without those excuses, and the pressure, and of course his own genuine desire to help, he probably wouldn't have wanted to slow down anyway. The emotional numbness is something he doesn't need his degrees to know is a defense mechanism, and it's one he's had a long time, so he can recognize when it happens and what it means when it does. He also knows it means he's at the point where he can't put off dealing with it any longer, but even if he wanted to, the opportunity isn't really there.]
I can't afford the time needed to deal with things right now.
( Now, this is concerning. The tone of it, somehow, or just the implication. The curtness, or the way he dismisses himself, or how disprovable it is. )
If I said that to you or Nate said that to you What would your answer be?
[He never quite knows what to do with that sentiment, because he doesn't hear it very often; it's one of those things he's never gotten used to, especially when it's from someone who hasn't known him a long time. He knows, of course, that it's entirely possible for such a sentiment to be genuine even from a total stranger, but it still catches him off guard whenever someone makes the offer.
So there's a short delay as he tries to collect his thoughts, before he finally formulates a response.]
Thank you. I might take you up on that at some point.
( It's easy as hell for Ian to reach out and console other people -- when it doesn't involve his issues it's sage wisdom and stoner calm all day long. Between Kyna, Nate, and that life in the Aerie, it feels a little easier to offer up friendship. Mind blowing progress from where he started when he woke up in New Amsterdam. )
I don't think you could if you wanted to What I mean is I don't think anybody could
But we can take the spotlight off your gross squishy parts for a minute.
[And he's very competitive. But he also knows, logically, that Ian's right; even if he could probably continue to repress and ignore everything for some amount of time longer, it's only going to make it worse when he finally does hit the limit.
But it's something that can wait at least a little while, though he decides--for now, anyway, until he likely talks himself out of it later--to try to do something about it sooner rather than later. For now, though, he'll take the opportunity to redirect.]
I'll avoid squishiness from either of us for now; besides the personal issues, what have you been doing since you got back other than discussing the Henries stuff?
[Has he been taking part in any of the mess in the city, or going on the New Tokyo trip?]
( Yeah, he'll let that joke hang unremarked upon. They both know.
But he'll check back in on this whole thing in a couple days anyway. )
Trying to build something I think will help Nate well I mean it'll help everyone that was in the Quarry, I think It's a little slow going with my head not being all the way in the game
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Why do I even talk to you?
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( No he's not. Lance has somehow found the exact right attitude for Ian to feel like talking about this shit isn't
as much of a risk, somehow. Like it isn't sensitive. He doesn't feel particularly vulnerable. He must've been fucking amazing at his job. )
I think it's your turn
What was your relationship like with your mother and what's the answer to the trolley problem?
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[It's a similar feeling on Lance's side of things, like they're on almost even footing, without any sort of weird sense of needing to be defensive or overly protective; at least one of the latter two feelings is almost always present in his relationships. It's strange, but nice, for that to have been shaken up a little.
It's for that reason that he offers actual answers to the two questions, even if they're meant jokingly and his own responses are similarly light.]
Complicated, and purposeful inaction leading to harm is just as bad as purposeful action leading to harm, so minimizing total harm done should be the goal.
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Doctor patient confidentiality. )
We at the institute thank you for your cooperation.
But seriously. How are you?
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But, finally, he offers something genuine, even if he had to force himself not to still downplay it.]
I'm with you on the nightmares. I literally passed out on Drake earlier; I haven't done something like that since grad school.
[Though to be entirely honest he'd been at that point before in Hadriel too, he'd just hidden away in his place so no one had ever known.]
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( As a part-time alcoholic he has to check. )
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[Because that's totally the reason and he's also definitely feeling self-conscious about this now, though he already was anyway.]
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Getting ridiculously stoned before going to sleep helps half the time
Your dreams don't make any fucking sense, for obvious reasons, which is an improvement
( One day, Lance. One day he will tempt you. You'll see.
But it's probably better to keep up some of the more serious momentum. )
What are your nightmares typically about?
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[He still doesn't think it'd be a great idea, but that this point he isn't going to outright reject it either. Who knows, it might be worth a try at some point.
But that last question is a big one, and again he immediately balks, even if the usual emotion behind it isn't really there and it's more just habit. It's especially pointless to be hesitating since Ian already knows about what happened to him, so he doesn't even have to go into new territory.
Still, there's a delay before he finally responds.]
What happened at home. Not always how it actually went, but never really any better.
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It was a big ask, and he gets the pressing feeling that he needs to balance it out. )
I have the same kind of dream about dying as I do about the day the ships touched down back home
I mean not exactly the same but
In the Quarry it's me and Nate and we keep running down all these different hallways trying to find an exit. I somehow know there's a time limit, and if I can't get out I'll drop dead or whatever
The ships, it's kind of the same. I just keep trying to get out of the city, but all the alleys keep twisting and the streets are like a maze. I can't ever get out.
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The scenarios Ian describes are understandable, and very normal in the context of the things he's been through, but there's something Lance feels like he should point out all the same.]
There's a distinct theme present in both of those descriptions.
[Ian probably has already figured it out, but sometimes it helps for someone else to say it.]
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We're still on you, man, that was part of the bartering system.
How are you holding up under the stress of trying to help everybody else deal with the sudden immense amount of trauma thrust onto them, particularly running on almost no sleep?
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But for now, he considers the question, considers yet again how honest to be, and then finally--]
I've reached the point where I don't really feel anything, so the answer is up for interpretation.
[On one hand, dealing with the stress is much easier when it doesn't register anymore. On the other, he knows very well how bad that actually is.]
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Have you taken any time to like
Take care of yourself, or process, or just do some like self care or something instead of constantly distracting yourself with other people's problems?
( Like he can't guess the answer to that question. )
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I was one of the first people back here.
[He could've even been the first. He doesn't know, and it doesn't matter; what matters is that when he'd returned, there was no one else he knew. As people had begun to return--native citizens, mostly, probably through just normal ways to die when living somewhere like he Aerie--he'd been one of the only people both present and with any knowledge of how to help them.
So even if he hadn't been also distracting himself, taking a break wasn't much of an option. Even as others continued to return, including other Displaced, they still couldn't afford to lose anyone; then, when he'd turned his attention even briefly to the Henries issue, there had been the judgement about not focusing entirely on the relief efforts.
But even without those excuses, and the pressure, and of course his own genuine desire to help, he probably wouldn't have wanted to slow down anyway. The emotional numbness is something he doesn't need his degrees to know is a defense mechanism, and it's one he's had a long time, so he can recognize when it happens and what it means when it does. He also knows it means he's at the point where he can't put off dealing with it any longer, but even if he wanted to, the opportunity isn't really there.]
I can't afford the time needed to deal with things right now.
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If I said that to you
or Nate said that to you
What would your answer be?
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[So he won't bother to write it out. He also won't bother to mention that he knows full well he's being a hypocrite.
Instead--]
I think we're back to my turn with the questions.
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( Fair enough, he won't fight it, he definitely doesn't want to push too hard. )
But just for the record
I give a shit, and I wanna make sure you're okay
So if there's some way I can help, I want to
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So there's a short delay as he tries to collect his thoughts, before he finally formulates a response.]
Thank you. I might take you up on that at some point.
I won't keep putting this off forever.
[He'll make that much of a promise, at least.]
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I don't think you could if you wanted to
What I mean is
I don't think anybody could
But we can take the spotlight off your gross squishy parts for a minute.
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[And he's very competitive. But he also knows, logically, that Ian's right; even if he could probably continue to repress and ignore everything for some amount of time longer, it's only going to make it worse when he finally does hit the limit.
But it's something that can wait at least a little while, though he decides--for now, anyway, until he likely talks himself out of it later--to try to do something about it sooner rather than later. For now, though, he'll take the opportunity to redirect.]
I'll avoid squishiness from either of us for now; besides the personal issues, what have you been doing since you got back other than discussing the Henries stuff?
[Has he been taking part in any of the mess in the city, or going on the New Tokyo trip?]
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But he'll check back in on this whole thing in a couple days anyway. )
Trying to build something I think will help Nate
well I mean it'll help everyone that was in the Quarry, I think
It's a little slow going with my head not being all the way in the game
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I think being a little out of it's to be expected, so it's amazing you're getting any work done at all.
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